After a lot of tears from my girlfriend I was able to convince her, with an assist from half a
bottle of wine, to watch the season premiere of Splash on ABC. But that wine, and a six pack of
beer for me, still didn’t prepare us for the horrors that followed.

Until tonight I thought Louie Anderson had eaten himself into a coma, but boy was I proven
wrong. He threw his 420 pounds off a 25 foot diving board and survived!

Louie is clearly the fan favorite going into this, as the lovable former host of Family Feud, but
he has some hot competition, Miss Alabama to be exact. The remaining b-list stars don’t even
matter in this voters mind. I will be following Miss Alabama and my boy Louie right to the finals!

Since I am going to pass on naming the other quasi-famous divers, I will bring you straight to
the least interesting “celebrity” trainer ever, Greg Louganis. I guess they can add some publicity
to the show with the inevitable anus jokes that will circulate social media, and he did add some
wonderful one liners such as; “take your time” and “Remember to breath.” I think that merits
me watching a second episode.

Now lets get to what we waited the WHOLE night for, the end of the show and the amazing
dive off. Now we all wanted to see Louie Anderson’s belly flop match up against Kareem Abdul
Jabar’s cannonball but alas we are not that fortunate. We are subject to seeing Keisha, I don’t
even know who she is, and Brent Musberger’s beauty, Miss Alabama.

As I waited with anticipation to find out who was eliminated, I couldn’t help but ponder what
my life would be like had I watched say a rerun of Spin City or Ally Mcbeal. Yes I wouldn’t have
known that indeed Miss Alabama lived to dive another day, but I could have seen David Spade
act his little heart out, and isn’t that what the true meaning of happiness is?

The answer is no. So spare yourself the agony and watch literally anything other than Splash
this Spring.